You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
