My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
