Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
