You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
