you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
