I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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