just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
