if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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