I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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