I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
is wine microwaveable?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
