evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
