Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
