Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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