Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
