well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
