I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
