I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
