I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
