nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
