Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
