There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
