pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
