I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I faked an abortion last night.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
