Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
