i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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