I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
