I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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