hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
