Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
