Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
