dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
