I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
