His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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