I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
