Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
