brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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