sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
