PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
