you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Text me some of your sweat
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
