I want you more than these girls want KFC
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
