There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
