She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
