So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
