Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
