I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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