the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
