I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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