I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
