I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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