i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
