It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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