my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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